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Hello, I am Dr. Nick.
I am not a Doctor but I played one on TV for three years on a TV Soap Opera.
I'm not qualified to give advice, in fact I'm pretty messed up
myself. But that doesn't really matter because I've got a staff of
worthless hacks who write most of this stuff anyway.
Of course they are not qualified to give any advice either, though
some of them have had a lot of expensive therapy. But the way I look
at it is who died and made Ann what's her name queen of the advice
columns. I mean how hard can it be?
So e-mail me your questions and problems and we will answer them here
on Really Bad Advice. And as the name says (my lawyers say I have to
insert this part) the advice we give out is bad. In fact it's really
really bad and we can't suggest you actually follow any of it but if
you do my lawyers say I'm not libel for nothin' so don't get any ideas! |
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Q: |
Dear Dr. Nick
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the
new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was
included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs
itself into all other programs and launches during system
initialization where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run,
crashing the system whenever selected. I am thinking about going back
to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can
you help me?
Signed, Computer Geek |
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A: |
Dear Geek
This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due
to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0
to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES
& ENTERTAINMENT" program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run
everything. WARNING! DO NOT try to: un-install, delete, or purge the
program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0
may destroy your hard and/or floppy drive. Trying to un-install or
remove Wife 1.0 will use up valuable system resources. You cannot go
back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.
Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with
more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under
WARNINGS- ALIMONY/CHILD SUPPORT.
Others have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background, while Wife
1.0 is running. Eventually, Wife 1.0 detects components of Girlfriend
2.0 and a system conflict occurs. This can lead to a non-recoverable
system crash. Some users have tried to download similar products such
as "Fling" and "OneNiteStand". Often their
systems have become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife
1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Suggest you read the the help section regarding General Protection
Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and
problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push
"Apologize" button, then "Reset" button as soon
as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the
blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a complex program that requires high
maintenance levels.
Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0:
Monthly use of utilities such as TLC and FTD
Frequently use Communicator 5.0 |
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Q: |
Dear Dr. Nick
I read that Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise are getting a divorce. Any
chance Nicole will go out with me?
Signed, Ted |
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A: |
Dear Ted
No. |
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Q: |
Dear Dr. Nick
I read that Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise are getting a divorce. Any
chance Tom will go out with me?
Signed, Ted (another Ted not the same one that wrote before) |
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A: |
Dear Ted (the other Ted not the same one that wrote before)
No. Wait a minute... Yea, I was right the first time.No! |
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Q: |
Dear Dr. Nick
I take the train to work everyday but can't stand it when people sit
next to me. How do I get them to go away?
Signed, Morning Train |
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A: |
Dear Morning Train
I usually just make a chewing noise with my mouth while trying to
suck stray particles of food from between my teeth. This turns people
off right away. If that fails I ask people to help me readjust my underwear. |
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Q: |
Dear Dr. Nick
How do I get my husband to pay more attention to me. He spends all
this time in the back yard playing with the raccoons.
Signed, Troubled in Paradise |
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A: |
Dear Troubled in Paradise
I can see your problem. Raccoons can be a lot of fun. Maybe your
husband is gay? Or maybe you've gotten too fat? How should I know I
don't know who you are. Why don't you try dressing up like a raccoon
that might be fun it certainly put the spice back in my relationship,
if you know what I mean. |
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Q: |
Dear Dr. Nick
I'm in love with this girl in my Business Ethics class but she
doesn't even know I'm alive. What can I do?
Signed, Two rows over. |
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A: |
Dear Two rows over
First thing you do is check your pulse to make sure you are still
alive. Maybe you are dead? Women tend not to like dead guys. Oh, they
like jerks but not dead guys. I failed my Business Ethics class so I
can't tell you much except try wearing a funny hat or something maybe
that will get her attention. |
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Q: |
Dear Dr. Nick
I just took some medication. Just how heavy does heavy machinery have
to be before I can't use it?
Signed, Big Bob |
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A: |
Dear Big Bob
If you can't drive it through a car wash it's too big and thus due to
the laws of physics it will also be too heavy. |
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Q: |
Dear Dr. Nick
My cat has fur balls!
Signed, Rocko |
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A: |
Dear Rocko
Save those yarped up fur balls. They can be turned into a great sweater. |
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Q: |
Dear Dr. Nick
I've been going out with this girl for a couple of months now, I
really like her and want to take the relationship to the next level.
I have one problem though. On our first date she told me she was
sick, but I can't remember if she said she had TB or VD. What should
I do? Signed, Bob the nurse |
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A: |
Dear Bob
If she coughs, shag her. |
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