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Scene:
Sporting Field, in particular a running track.
Five competitors run onto the pitch.
Commentator (John Cleese):
Good afternoon and welcome to Hurlingham Park.
You join us just as the competitors are
running out onto the field on this lovely winter's afternoon here,
with the going firmunderfoot and very little sign of rain. Well it
certainly looks as though we're in for a splendid afternoon's sport
in this the 127th Upperclass Twit of the Year Show. Well the
competitors will be off in a moment so let me just identify for you.
(camera zooms in on the competitors)
Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith has an
O-level in chemo-hygiene.
Simon-Zinc-Trumpet-Harris, married to a very
attractive table lamp.
Nigel Incubator-Jones, his best friend is a tree,
and in his spare time he's a stockbroker.
Gervaise Brook-Hampster is in the Guards,
and his father uses him as a wastepaper basket.
And finally Oliver St John-Mollusc,
Harrow and the Guards, thought by many to be
this year's outstanding twit.
Now they're moving up to the starting line,
there's a jolly good crowd here today.
Now they're under starter's orders...
and they're off.
(the starter fires the gun, but nobody moves)
Ah no, they're not.
No they didn't realize they were supposed to start.
Never mind, we'll soon sort that out, the
judge is explaining it to them now.
I think Nigel and Gervaise have got the idea.
All set to go.
(starter fires gun again and the twits
move offer in different directions)
Oh, and they're off and it's a fast start
this year.
Oliver St John-Mollusc running a bit wide
there and now they're coming into their first test, the straight line.
(All the Twits run erratically along five
white lines)
They've got to walk along this straight line
without failing over and Oliver's over at the back there, er, Simon's
coming through quite fast on theoutside, I think Simon and Nigel,
both of them coming through very fast. There's Nigel there. No.
Three, I'm sorry, and on theoutside there's Gervaise coming through
just out of shot and now, the position...
(the twits approach a line of matchboxes
piled three high)
Simon and Vivian at the front coming to the
matchbox jump... three layers of matchboxes
to clear... and Simon's over and Vivian's over beautifully, oh and
the jump of a lifetime -
if only his father could understand.
Here's Nigel... and now Gervaise is over
he's, er, Nigel is over, and it's Gervaise, Gervaise is going to jump
it, is it, no he's jumped the wrong way, there.he goes, Nigel's over, beautifully.
Now it's only Oliver. Oliver... and Gervaise...
oh bad luck.
And now it's Kicking the Beggar.
(the twits are kicking a beggar with a tray)
Simon's there and he's putting the boot in,
and not terribly hard, but he's going down and Simon can move on. Now
Vivian's there. Vivian is there and waiting for a chance. Here tie
comes, oh a piledriver, a real piledriver, and now Simon's on No. l,
Vivian a, Nigel 3, Gervaise on 4 and Oliver bringing up the rear.
Ah there's Oliver...
(Oliver is still trying to jump the matchboxes)
...there's Oliver now, he's at the back. I
think he's having a little trouble with his old brain injury, he's
going to have a go, no, no, bad luck, he's up, he doesn't know when
he's beaten, this boy, lie doesn't know when he's winning either. He
doesn't have any sort of sensory apparatus. Oh there's Gervaise
(He is still kicking the beggar)
and he's putting the boot in there and he's
got the beggar down and the steward's giving him a little bit of
advice, yes, he can move on now, he can move on to the Hunt
Photograph. He's off, Gervaise is there and Oliver's still at the
back having trouble with the matchboxes.
(the twits approach a table with two
attractive girls and a photographer)
Now here's the Hunt Ball Photograph and the
first here's Simon, he's going to enjoy a joke with Lady Arabella
Plunkett. She hopes to go into films, and Vivian's through there and,
er, Nigel's there enjoying a joke with Lady Sarah Pencil Farthing
Vivian Streamroller Adams Pie Biscuit Aftershave Gore Stringbottom Smith.
(shot of twit in a sports car reversing
into cut-out of old woman)
And there's, there's Simon now in the
sports car, he's reversed into the old woman, he's caught her
absolutely beautifully. Now he's going to accelerate forward there to
wake up the neighbour. There's Vivian I think, no Vivian's lost his
keys, no there's Vivian, he's got the old woman, slowly but surely
right in the midriff, and here he is. Here he is to wake up the neighbournow.
(a man in bed in the middle of the pitch.
The twit slams car door repeatedly)
Simon right in the lead, comfortably in the
lead, but he can't get this neighbour woken up. He's slamming away
there as best he can. He's getting absolutely no reaction at all.
There, he's woken him up and Simon's through. Here comes Vivian,
Vivian to slam the door, and there we are back at the Hunt Ball, I
think that's Gervaise there, that's Gervaise going through there, and
here, here comes Oliver, brave Oliver. Is he going to make it to the
table, no I don't think he is, yes he is,
(twit falls over the table)
he did it, ohh. And the crowd are rising to
him there, and there I can see, who is that there, yes that's Nigel,
Nigel has woken the neighbour - my God this is exciting. Nigel's got
very excited and he's going through and here comes Gervaise.
Gervaise, oh no this is, er, out in the front there is Simon who is
supposed to insult the waiter and he's forgotten.
(Simon runs past a waiter standing with a tray)
And Oliver has run himself over,
(Oliver lying in front of car)
...what a great twit!
And now here comes Vivian, Vivian to insult
the waiter, and he is heaping abuse on him, and he is humiliating
him, there and he's gone into the lead. Simon's not with him, no
Vivian's in front of him at the bar.
(the twits each have several goes at
getting under a bar of wood five feet off the ground)
Simon's got to get under this bar and this
is extremely difficult as it requires absolutely expert co-ordination
between mind and body. No Vivian isn't there. Here we go again and
Simon's fallen backwards. Here's Nigel, he's tripped, Nigel has
tripped, and he's under and Simon fails again, er, here is Gervaise,
and Simon is through by accident. Here's Gervaise to be the last one
over, there we are, hero's Nigel right at the head of the field,
(the twits approach five rabbits staked
out on the Found;
they fire at them with shotguns)
and now he's going to shoot the rabbit, and
these rabbits have been tied to the ground, and they're going to be a
bit frisky, and this is only a one-day event. And they're blazing
away there. They're not getting quite the results that they might,
Gervaise is in there trying to bash it to death with the butt of his
rifle, and I think Nigel's in there with his bare hands, but they're
not getting the results that they might, but it is a little bit misty
today and they must be shooting from a range of at least one foot.
But they've had a couple of hits there I think, yes, they've had a
couple of hits, and the whole field is up again and here they are.
(they approach a line of shopwindow dummies
each wearing only a bra)
They're coming up to the debs, Gervaise
first, Vivian second, Simon third. And now they've got to take the
bras off from the front, this is really difficult, this is really the
most, the most difficult part of the entire competition, and they're
having a bit of trouble in there I think, they're really trying now
and the crowd is getting excited, and I think some of the twits are
getting rather excited too.
(the twits are wreaking havoc on the dummies)
Vivian is there, Vivian is coming through,
Simon's in second place, and, no there's Oliver, he's not necessarily
out of it. There goes Nigel, no he's lost something, and Gervaise
running through to this final obstacle.
(they approach a table with five
revolvers laid out on it)
Now all they have to do here to win the
title is to shoot themselves. Simon has a shot. Bad luck, he misses.
Nigel misses. Now there's Gervaise, and Gervaise has shot himself-
Gervaise is Upperclass Twit of the Year. There's Nigel, he's shot
Simon by mistake, Simon is back up and there's Nigel, Nigel's shot
himself: Nigel is third in this fine and most exciting Upperclass
Twit of the Year Show I've ever seen. Nigel's clubbed himself into
fourth place.
(three coffins on stand with medals)
And so the final result:
The Upperclass Twit of the Year -
Gervaise Brook-Hampster.
Runner up - Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith
Third - Nigel Incubator-Jones
Well there'll certainly be some car door
slamming in the streets of Kensington tonight. |
