"Feminism In The ‘90’s"
	A Million Women’s March is being planned for mid-June here in Los Angeles, and I think that’s a great idea. And hey, ladies. While you’re all up, could you get us a beer? Ahh, feminism in the ‘90’s. What a "What is yours and what is mine?" field. Okay, this subject is touchier than an Apple Computer stockholder who forgot to take a Xanax. I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but the feminist movement of the ‘90’s is going off in more directions than Don King’s hair in an electrical storm. You know, to be an oubberfrow in the ‘90’s is to be as confused as Al D’Amato on Celebrity Jeopardy! Current day feminists are slapped with more labels than a telephone pole in front of a coffee house at Welsley and draw more enmity than Linda McCartney at a Tony Roama’s. They’re stereotypically portrayed as humorless, multiple cat owning, beragous, wearing shapeless home tie-dyed dresses, and car-lofting around in Doc Martins while hosting their own public access cable show called "The No Fly Zone" which is unfair because, despite the Janet Reno size strides over the past twenty years, there are still gender inequities in our society that are more glaring than a freshly buffed diamond tiara on the Bonevian Salt Flats at high noon. Having drinks bought for you and being able to cry your way out of a speeding ticket don’t make up for lower wages, date rape, pick-up trucks with naked women silhouetted on the mud flaps, no affordable child care, happy handed boss, not being called on in class even when you know the answer, and having to take most of the responsibility for birth control. Recently, we’re seeing women’s rights violated in places as disport as a condo in Brentwood, California, and a Mistubishi plant in Normal, Illinois. Hey, listen. Everybody has got a right to work at their job without being bullied and humiliated. And as long as there are people out there who are so threatened, so consumed with hatred and fear that they have to use what little power they have to take those rights away from women, well you can bet your sensible boots there’s gonna be a woman’s movement. And there will always be men who are threatened by that movement. Feminism in the ‘90’s has left in its wake a gaggle of men more flustered than Les Nesman reporting live from the MTV Malibu Beach House. And no man, no man, is more threatened than Rush Limbaugh, who is the quintessential male anti-feminist. Now, anybody who hasn’t even seen his dick in the past ten years is bound to be anti-woman. But, while it has been slow in coming, men are, they are, finally in the process of divesting themselves of much of their undeserved and unwarranted power. Guys, we had to give it up. It was time to share the power because we were ruining everything. For the survival of out species on our planet, evolution reclaimed our crown and made us share it, because quite frankly, leaving Planet Earth in the hands of only men is like asking Moe Howard to baby-sit a colicky infant. Anyway, while I agree with the majority of feminists causes and I admire their passion and commitment, often times their approach leaves much to be desired. But before the Earth gets a S.W.A.T. Team that comes and takes me away to the reprogramming camp for the estrogen impaired where I’ll learn to become a more nurturing, sensitive man with a developed feminine side who can bake bread and then perform foreplay for five hours at a pop, before that happens, may I put forth the following suggestions:   1. If you want your message heard, leave the rage to Alanis Morisette, okay? Because when you’re strident, you remind us of our mums yelling at us when we do what we did to them; we ignore you.   2. Opposed as I am of violence against women, would someone ask Oddjob to please take Camiel Powe and her leopard trim Humvee out to the junkyard and place them in the compactor? This woman is so insane, she makes Cochran’s summation speech sound like Al Gore reading his grocery list.   And 3. Sisters, let’s be more inclusive of different approaches to this thing. Many of today’s younger women have become alienated from the feminist movement because of the extreme messages being sent by its more vociferous leaders. No one likes to be told they’re a traitor because they quit their job to stay home with the baby, or like to wear high heels and make-up. You can’t spend every nanosecond of life trying to elevate the gender. There has to be room for compromise for allowing for differences between women. We need to respect Shannon Faulkner and Shannon Tweed. Now look, I’m not trying to sell you a carton of Virginia Slims here, but listen to me. Yes, women still find doors shut tighter than a Jehovah’s Witness approaching Mark Furman’s house. And yes, yes, most corporate headquarters have more glass ceilings than Carl Sagan’s townhouse. But for women to fixate only on what they haven’t accomplished without stepping back to marvel at how quickly and far they have advanced in the past twenty years is gonna make them feel more fucked over than lining up for two hours to see a taping of Mike and Maddy to only discover that Maddy’s been sidelined by the flu. You know what I want? I want to live in a world where women are allowed to fail as badly as men and then get a better job and a raise just like men. And I’m hoping you’ll remember that I said that and I was always on your side ‘cause I don’t wanna be hurt in the coming revolution. And by the way, don’t you all look sexy in your little uniforms?
	Of course that is just my wife’s opinion... I could be wrong!