"Random Ranting..."
	Amtrak is overhauling its East Coast fleet, replacing the 50 year old sleeper cars and putting a TV in every room. Now you can watch the reports of your derailment on CNN from your own cabin. The state of Arkansas is trying to teach its police to distinguish between sign language for the deaf and gang signing as part of an effort to prevent police from accidentally shooting deaf people, or talking really loudly to gang members. Andrew and Fergie are finally getting divorced. As part of the settlement, the Royal Family decided that Fergie would no longer be able to use the title "Her Royal Highness." Her new title is "The Other Slut We’re Done With." L.A. District Attorney Gil Garcetti recently hailed the Menendez verdict as "justice." Yeah, well don’t start patting yourself on the back, Gilberto. These morons confessed and it still took you two trials to convict them. Pope Paul II was criticized by an Italian Cardinal who accused the pontiff of elevating too many people to sainthood. The Pope disagreed with the Cardinal, then made him a saint. Madonna is pregnant and at this point she says she doesn’t know if it’s a boy or a girl. The father, that is. The baby is due sometime this winter. I smell pay per view. A bishop in Lincoln, Nebraska, is getting tough with Catholics in his diocese who belong to abortion rights and church-reform groups. Bishop Fabian Bruskewitz says that if parishioners don’t resign from targeted groups by May 5, they’ll be excommunicated. And if they still haven’t resigned by June 5, no more bingo. But you know the fountainhead of all this bad behavior has got to be daytime talk shows. What an intergalactic fucking freak show these are. You tell me, what Rusty and Bailiff Fan Club meeting do they go to harvest these losers? Ricki Lake? Richard Bey? Jerry Springer? These people shouldn't be allowed to own a TV, for chrissake, much less be on it. And you know their guests not only aren't ashamed of their asinine antics, they positively revel in their own grand mal shitheadedness.
	Friends of the Unabomber Ted Kaczynski say he was a friendly, Mr. fix it type. Especially if you were having trouble with your bombs. Bob Dole has finally admitted that Congress will have to surrender to political realities and consider raising the minimum wage. Dole said he’s always fought such raises throughout his career, even the first one when it went from two rocks to a sharp stick. Leaders of the National Rifle Association threw their organization’s full support behind Bob Dole, and called Bill Clinton the most anti-gun president in U. S. history... unless of course you count the ones that were shot. F. Lee Bailey claims that he spent 44 days in prison, partly because of the nation’s bias against O.J. Simpson. But mostly because of the fact that he’s a fat, drunk thief who needed to be locked up. Just look at it this way F. Lee, somebody had to pay for what he did. Residents in Middlefield, Ohio are complaining about the boom boxes that some rebellious Amish teenagers have blaring from their horse-drawn carriages. But even more alarming have been the rash of recent buggy-jackings and trot-by shootings. Here in Los Angeles, Bank of America has a new policy. Now if you even so much as think about your bank account, you owe them two dollars . The 31st Academy of Country Music Awards were on NBC last week. The big winners... people who didn’t watch. A Rhode Island janitor has come forward as the winner of a 17 million dollar lottery prize. The janitor said he didn’t know what he’d do with the money, but a day later Sotheby’s received an anonymous bid of one hundred thousand dollars for Jackie O’s mop. FBI agents says that a search of Theodore Kaczynski’s cabin has unveiled a bomber’s workshop including: trigger switches, detonators and the original screenplay for "Showgirls". After passing laws governing safety in the workplace, Congress now finds it must also comply with the Occupational Safety and Health Act of 1970. Congress was exempt before because it was not considered a place where people work. One hundred KKK demonstrators were shouted down by nearly two hundred anti-Klan protesters at a rally in Indiana last week. A spokesman for the Klan said that it’s hard to get your message of intellectual superiority across when you’re out-numbered three to one like that. It takes zero politically correct assholes to screw in a light bulb because they are all perpetually in the fucking dark. Obviously you've mistaken me for somebody who vaguely gives a fuck about your sad little life. When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man. But I do remember when I was one of you, one of the walking dead staggering from seedy singles bar to seedy singles bar using your unrequited, and might I add diminutive, excuse for a hard-on as a sexual divining rod in a pathetic, fruitless effort to find a woman, or at least somebody who has a few of the body parts, who might actually fake nominal interest in that dog-eared, hackneyed, nightmarish story that you have the nerve to call your life.
	Seeking to defuse a Republican effort to make gay rights a campaign issue, the White House said that President Clinton is against same-sex marriages. Unless, of course, it’s two really hot chicks. A new study shows people burn more calories on treadmills than any other exercise machine. The study also says treadmills hold the most clothes. A poll conducted to find out how kids today feel about their school shows many of the same problems from earlier generations. Kids don’t like math, cafeteria food, and assemblies, and prefer the balance of a Beretta over the firepower of the Glock 9 Millimeter. A "Million Woman March" is being planned for mid-June in Los Angeles and I think that’s a great idea. And hey ladies, while you’re all up, can you get us a beer? Republican presidential hopeful Bob Dole is campaigning full-force and claiming the moral high ground. Of course he needed oxygen halfway up the slope to the moral high ground. Wow, wrestling the moral high ground away from Bill Clinton, what a coup. They’re gonna spend a week just picking up all the pizza boxes and condom wrappers. On a campaign visit to the Russian city of Ufa, Boris Yeltsin surprised everyone by getting up and dancing to rock music. What was especially surprising was he was attending a funeral at the time. Two hikers accused of starting a sixteen thousand acre fire in New Mexico by failing to douse their campfire will be billed 8.5 million dollars for the fire fighting costs. When asked to comment the hikers said, "Yeah, that’s why we’re camping, because we have 8.5 million dollars. Bogus hundred dollar bills are being passed in West Virginia. The redesigned hundreds have several anti-counterfeit measures built in, but none of them came into play once people found out you could fool convenience store clerks by drawing an extra zero on a ten. In Philadelphia last week firefighters were called on to rescue a three-year old boy who was accidentally locked in a bank safe. The boy was rescued successfully and then for some reason Bank of America charged him a two dollar fee. Members of the Rolling Stones were in the news this week. First, guitarist Keith Richards became a grandfather when his son had a baby girl, and then bassist Bill Wyman married her. Labor activists charged that Michael Jordan’s line of Nike sneakers are made by eleven year olds in Indonesia earning fourteen cents an hour. The report was put together by six year old Haitian girls earning seven cents an hour. Even though the anti-drug enforcement policy is failing, the government thinks that we should spend even MORE money on it. What are they, HIGH?!?
	Of course that is just my opinion... I could be wrong!