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...Does size
really matter? I don't know, what do women want? Nowadays it seems
like they want....other women. No, uhh....some women want zero from a
man, and others want lots of zeros from a man.
Let's see,
the myth is that women want...
Brad Pitt in
the bedroom,
Brad Pitt in
the kitchen,
Brad Pitt
around the house,
Brad Pitt
during a game,
Brad Pitt
when they're sick,
Brad Pitt in conversation,
the body of
Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the Fall'
combined with
the voice of Brad Pitt, and to top
it all off
the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil.
Another myth
is that a woman must be married by a certain age or she'll never find
stability. Hey, I've got news for you, ladies: looking to men for
stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis, all right?
And yet a
third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous.
As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and
ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Women don't like guys who are
dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to
kill us.
Now I'll be
the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as reliable as
an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta, maybe think women
want from men.
ONE...
Foreplay is
not a privilege; it is a birthright.
TWO...
If you take
her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away
from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
THREE...
Quit blowing
smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as
lifegivers and come up with some decent affordable child care. That
way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and
we won't have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering
about orphanages.
FOUR...
Equal work
for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at... say Carl,
the brain-dead jackoff in the cubicle next to you. You could kill
Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, total idiot.
Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo....
FIVE...
This is very
important: During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's your daddy?"
Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.
SIX...
When her
mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind
of important.
SEVEN...
Pass a law
that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have
women their own age in their videos.
EIGHT...
Don't ask her
if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came.
NINE...
Don't tell
her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.
TEN...
When she
catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your sleep,
take it like a man.
So, guys, at
the end of the what women want is this: equal pay, fair treatment,
respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine effort at
understanding who they really are. Or if that's too much to ask, how
about a big fucking diamond the size of your head?
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