Abe (Grampa) Simpson "Oh, Son, don't overreach! Go for the DENTED car, the DEAD-END job, the LESS ATTRACTIVE girl." Abe "Son, you've got to marry that girl!" Homer "Because it's the honorable thing to do?" Abe "No, because you'll never do any better. Ha ha, you lucky bum! The fish jumped right in the boat, and all you gotta do is whack her with the oar!" Homer "And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned." Bart "Gotcha." Homer "And if you get the chance, get him right in the family jewels. That little doozy's been a Simpson trademark for generations." Homer "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get." Homer "Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try." Bart "I wasn't good at it right away, so I quit. I hope you're not mad." Homer "Son, come here! Heh heh heh... Of course I'm not mad. If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing!" Homer "When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters, always want'n more ... more ... more! And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty in return!" Bart "Like what?" Homer "I'll tell you when you're older." Homer "Son, a woman is a lot like a refrigerator! They're about 6 feet tall and weigh 300 lbs. They make ice and ... um ... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer! They look good, they smell good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!" Bart "I am through with working! Working is for chumps!" Homer "Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out." Homer "Son, if you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers." Homer "Son, this is the only time I'm ever going to say this: It is not OK to lose!" Bart "Dad, I love you, but, you taught me to win." Homer "When did I ever teach you that?" Bart "Well, I picked it up somewhere." Abe Simpson "I'm filled with piss n' vinegar! ... at first I was just filled with vinegar." Abe Simpson "I couldn't quite put my finger on it; there was something strange about the way he walked -- much more vertical than usual." Abe Simpson "I'm an old man. I hate everything but Matlock." Abe Simpson "I've coughed up scarier stuff than that!" Abe Simpson "Looking at that tired old freak has made me realize I'm no spring chicken myself. I can feel death's clammy hand on my shoulder...wait, that's my hand." Abe Simpson "Bart, I'm having palpitations!" Bart "Can't tie up the line, Grampa." Abe Simpson "Why are you people avoiding me? Does my withered face remind you of the grim specter of Death?" Homer "Yes, but there's more. Dad, I love you, but - you're a weird, sore-headed old crank and nobody likes you!" Abe Simpson "Homer was never stubborn. He always folded instantly over anything. It was as if he had no will of his own. Isn't that true, Homer?" Homer "Yes, Dad." Abe Simpson "If I'm not back at the home by nine they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance!" Abe Simpson "Pull your chair closer, my son." Homer "What is it, Dad?" Abe Simpson "Peeyoo! Not that close! Sheesh." Homer "Relax, Marge, I tied up all the loose ends before we left." [meanwhile, back in Springfield] Abe Simpson "Hello-o? Hello-o! You have my pills! Hello-o? I'm cold, and there are wolves after me." Official Simpsons Stuff and Videos are Available at "The Simpsons" TM and Copyright FOX and it's related companies. All rights reserved. This is a NOT FOR PROFIT fan site and is not authorized by FOX.